Monday, 13 December 2010

On returning after a long absence

Well, I knew I was rubbish at updating. And it appears that it has been a year and a half since the last post. Naturally, things have changed since then! Although now I think about it, not much. I have the same job, and live in the same house. I still like pirates. I still have two wildly ungrateful feline housemates. I still live with my beloved J, only now instead of genderqueer, he identifies solidly as a queer trans guy, and has finally managed to get on T - has been on it for two months now. Hurrah! This is brilliant for many reasons.
1 - it just is.
2 - he is more chilled and happier than I have seen him in a long time.
3 - his voice is all deep and sexy (and occasionally squeaky - still early days, mind).
3 (a) - he can no longer assault my ears with Shirley Bassey, as he cannot reach the notes (this is only "a good thing" for me - it is a fucking tragedy for him).
4 - hell, all the physical changes - it's lovely seeing him get all excited about it. Also the increased sex drive.

Ah, that's enough of lists. Suffice it to say, I am happy, he is happy, everyone is happy - except for the cats, who think he's shouting at them all the time (because of the voice changes). Poor kitties. They understand that we can open cans and doors and provide warm lap(top)s, but they do not understand gender issues.

Also not happy - random fucking bigots. He's had a couple of really really bad experiences over the last week or two. Whereas people would previously read him as a butch dyke, they are now not quite sure how to read him. And in pinhead world, "I don't understand you" leads directly and instantly to "And that is your fault" which then leads to either "so you need to drop what your doing and EDUCATE ME" or "I have the right to touch your body to ascertain your gender" (oh yes, fucking REALLY someone did this) or "smash".

I do not neccessarily want to go into this in great detail. I would rather think of nicer things right now. I have the cisprivilege of not having to think about transphobia All. The. Time. But it does neccessarily impact on my life, because it affects J. And it affects both of us reasonably often. And there's guilt on my behalf, because when J is with me, particularly in gay spaces, he is far more likely to be mis-read as a dyke.

Anyway, I was saying about happy things. Well, as I said, there have not been a huge number of changes in my life recently. So I am finding small pleasures. This is not a new concept to me, but a friend reminded me of it last week - just before I engaged in a particularly energetic and public small pleasure - dancing the Saturday Night dance (you remember Whigfield, right? Yeah, that dance. Sorry). And everyone else started dancing it too! That was a good feeling. I didn't even mind the people pointing and laughing - no really. I came to the conclusion some time ago that I will never be 'cool'. This is a little sad - I've always wanted a mystique of my very own - but it's also incredibly liberating. Uncool stuff is often a lot more fun than cool stuff. It takes a lot of effort not to smile that much (I mean, for me, when I am not in a depressive episode - I'm not going to extrapolate that to anyone else obv). What my dancing lacks in skill and grace, it makes up for in enthusiasm. One only has to look at the auditions for X Factor (I hate X Factor) to know that, no matter how rubbish you are, you can provide entertainment for someone. I put a smile on someone's face with my stupid dancing! That feels good - honestly. Another day it might crush me, but when I am panicking about what strangers think of me, the chances are I wouldn't be enjoying myself much that night anyway. Obviously, outright cruelty is always hurtful, but that's not what we're talking here. Just laughter.

Small pleasure number two: Spider webs. When they are pearled with dew or rain - and then they freeze, into little crystalline structures. That's incredibly beautiful. Put me on a high for hours.

Small pleasure number 3: I have the hosue to myself for the evening, and can piss around on my computer for as long as I want. Except, I'm hungry now. So there you go. Foiled by biology. This was nice. We should do it again sometime! Airkiss, airkiss, see you around, sweetie.

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